It's Getting Real

I will always support abuse survivors. Always. This is a non-negotiable thing about me. I'm about to get very real here, so if reality scares you, run away now.

I'm an abuse survivor.  Do you know how long that took to admit?  Do you know how long it took for me to admit it OUT LOUD?  I like to think I'm a strong person and strong people don't let themselves be abused, right? That is so so so wrong. I cannot even tell you how wrong that is.  I'm an abuse survivor and I was never hit or molested or assaulted. It was all emotional and I carry it with me to this day.

To be fair, all forms of abuse are emotional. If you're hit, you carry mental scars long after the bruises fade. The same goes for sexual abuse. Emotional abuse is purely mental and is hard to prove and even harder for people outside of the abuse to understand.  How can you tell someone that your step-dad lost his shit because you put the toilet paper roll on the wrong way? Or used the wrong spoon? Or ate the last fucking cookie?  How can anyone understand what it feels like to have a 6'4'' 200 pound man looming over you yelling that you're a stupid loser, a failure, a worthless piece of shit when you're 15 years old, 4'11'' and 115 pounds? Or watching him do the same to your sister and your mother?

I didn't. Tell anyone, that is. Why not? I was a child at the time, for one. For another, when you're in it, sometimes it doesn't seem as bad as it is.  It's also really really hard to fight back when you don't think you're worth fighting for. I really didn't realize how bad it was until I left for college. There I was in my apartment and all of a sudden I realized I was happy, not walking on eggshells, and not afraid I'd choose the wrong utensil in the drawer.  Getting out from it was the ONLY way I decided to never go back. My sister was in it for way longer; it took him crossing an uncrossable line for my mom to leave, and I've never regretted that line getting crossed because IT MADE HER LEAVE.

True story: when The Bastard started showing his true colors, my mom went to a marriage counselor. She told said counselor what's being going on, how he didn't act that way when they were dating, and she didn't understand what was going on. The counselor said, "Well, you must be doing something to make him so mad." Yes, ladies and gents, the abuse was reinforced by someone who was supposed to help. So my mom stayed longer than she would have.

Anyway, back to the abuse survivor stuff.  In the grand scheme of things, it was bad, really bad, but it was SO MUCH BETTER than what some other people go through. He's good with money and helps pay for his daughters' stuff, including the mortgage on the house. He hasn't ever physically threatened us. Some women fear for their lives even AFTER they leave. It's hard to leave, period.  You have no idea what it's like until you're abused, so for people to say, "why didn't they just leave?" is infuriating. First, you're blaming the victim. Second, you just don't understand.

I carry scars of those years still. My husband yelled at our daughter once (not badly and certainly not in an abusive way, just a parent losing their patience) but it triggered an anxiety attack. It was all I could do to keep myself from speeding downstairs and scooping up my daughters and running.  I was up in my room pacing and wringing my hands and hyperventilating when my husband discovered me, since I didn't want my kids to see me and freak out.  Total panic and just because of a raised voice.  I avoid conflict, sometimes by lying or agreeing to something I don't agree with, because in my experience disagreeing with someone only leads to me in tears on the floor.  I don't share easily with people because letting someone in means giving them ammunition to hurt me.

So what is the point of all this?  Don't blame the victims of abuse for what they do or don't do.  Don't sit there and judge a victim of abuse when they are trying to tell you how it feels.  It's really easy to sit and read about abuse in a news article, but until you are in it, you have no fucking right to judge. None. They are doing what they think is best for them, sometimes in order to SURVIVE, so be supportive.

If you are a victim of abuse, please don't be afraid to speak out.  For all the things I carry with me that are bad, I came out of that with good things too. I don't intimidate easily.  I may avoid conflict, but if I'm in a conflict, I don't back down.  Name calling doesn't work on me either.  I can also spot a creeper and manipulator in a nanosecond. I've learned to only let positive people in my life and try to avoid negative ones. Speaking out about it will help those who are still in it or have gotten out but feel alone. It's scary, I know, but can be cathartic as well.

I have managed to move on from that time.  I never see him any more and I don't even really hate him.  Hate takes too much energy. I just don't think about him unless I have to (and that's the best revenge since abuse is all about control and he has absolutely ZERO control over me now). People say you have to forgive (Jesus says it too) and I think there's truth in that. You can't move on and heal if you stew and hate. It can take a long time to move on. A really really really long time. I never thought I'd stop being angry, but I have. It kinda snuck up on me. I hope, if you're a survivor, it sneaks up on you too, but until then, do what you have to do to process all of the emotions you carry around. You are not alone.